“Do you want to know what the baby is?”
Tim and I were getting the girls out of their car seats when my mom lobbed this missile at us. We hadn’t even talked about whether or not we wanted to find out. I was torn. Knowing would make the adoption even more real, and part of me wanted to insulate myself from the hurt if the adoption didn’t work out. We know what losing a child during pregnancy feels like (we’ve lost three) but we don’t know what losing a child through a failed adoption feels like (and I hope we never do).
My mom had asked earlier if I had a preference, and honestly, I was torn. Before infertility, I had the typical girlish visions of what my ideal family would be like and I always envisioned myself with three boys. Yet when the twins came, I was thrilled to find out we were having girls, and to actually have, hold and raise my them has been a blessing. I never wished for a moment they would be anything but what they were–healthy and alive.
With this baby, the concerns around gender are different. The baby is bi-racial and I don’t know the discrimination this child will face. I know that we will love the baby unconditionally, but I also know I cannot control the actions of others. Part of me thought it would be easier if it was a girl–that people would be nicer–but what do I know? Of course, we also hear what is on the news these days and I wonder, “What will life be like when this baby is a teenager?” “Will the world have changed enough?” “Will my child be safe?”
Tim’s and my eyes met over the phone and I asked him “Do you want to know?” He said “Yes”, as I took a deep breath, mom said, “It’s a boy!”
All of my worries and fears went out the window and were replaced by pure joy.
We are having a boy! We just stared at each other with goofy smiles on our faces.
Cancer Ever After 
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