Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Cancer and Widowhood.

I Have Trolls!

on 12/20/2014

I knew when I decided to put our story out to the public via Facebook and a blog that not everyone would support it. To be honest, this is nothing new. Since we were open about our infertility, we’ve had to learn to have thick skins.

“If God wanted you to have kids, you would have them.”

You’d be surprised how often that comment came up. Wether well-intentioned or not, people would say hurtful things. “You just need to relax and it will happen. You’re not having a baby because you are too stressed out.” By sharing our journey, we found we had some of the greatest supporters in the world. But we also opened ourselves up to the opinions of others, and not everyone agreed with our choices. We did the same thing with this blog and through our fundraising.

“I pray the child will be able to stay with her natural, god given family. Nobody elses child should be given the job of making you feel better about your infertility.” (sic)

As I continue to post more blogs, I’ve begun to get comments from the outside world. Most of them are angry diatribes against adoption. When I read the first one, I was angry on our birth mother’s behalf. How dare they assume they know how the birth mother came to her decision? I don’t even fully know–I only know what she has chosen to share. Her thought process is between her, her family and her counselor.

The second comment made me re-evaluate.

“As a mother who lost her son to adoption 47 years ago and has mourned that loss every day of those years, I cannot read about another young mother about to give up her child without a feeling uncomfortably close to choking.” (sic)

It came from a place of hurt. She was against adoption, because she “had” to give her child up for adoption. It was the word “had” that gave me pause. The adoption world has changed a lot. In the past,  there were certainly adoptions in which the birth mother was forced or coerced into giving up her baby. I don’t want that. The only healthy adoptions are ones in which it’s the birth mother’s idea to do so, and she does it with full knowledge and a support system.

I can’t imagine that anyone would say that this is an easy decision or the easy way out for her. This is, in fact, the hardest path she could have chosen. It is also one of the reasons we are going to have an open adoption. This baby comes from two families and needs to know both the family of blood and the family who raises him.

I also think, at times, it won’t be easy for him to be an adopted child. We will shower our son with love, but there will still be tantrums and those angst-ridden teenage years. You know, all of that normal childhood fun. And our child may someday struggle with the fact that he is adopted.

All we can do is love him and support him.

Despite those negative comments on the blog, the support we’ve received has been overwhelmingly positive. Neighbors of coworkers have given donations after hearing our stories. Parents of friends have bought cookie jars. Our daycare has rallied around us and really promoted the sale of our jars, even though they know they will lose our business when we have a third child.  I even have followers now on my blog–people that do want to share our journey.

In the end, the response we’re receiving from everyone is honest, and you can’t get much better than that. Honest and real are welcome. Always.

2 responses to “I Have Trolls!

  1. Jennie says:

    People can be insensitive and cruel sometimes. I try to remind myself that it is hard to know what infertility is like until you have experienced it. If people knew what it is like they would be more sensitive.


    • I agree, I’d like to think if they walked in our shoes they would act differently. And, I’d like to think a lot of the comments are insensitive not intentionally cruel.


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