Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Cancer and Widowhood.

This Moment

Do you ever have one of those moments you want to freeze in time forever? Seeing my husband walk down the aisle on our wedding day is one. (Although I’d love to fast-forward through the part where I couldn’t say my vows because I was crying so hard.) Life is full of those moments when you know something monumental is occurring and you want to take that moment, freeze it in your mind and hug it close to you for a lifetime.

The moment I heard both of my girls cry in the delivery room, and I knew, just knew when I heard those cries that everything was going to be okay. That my girls would make it. I was a ball of fear until I heard those cries, and then I wept as  I got to hold them briefly before they were whisked off to the NICU.  My photo stream currently holds 1,821 pictures of the girls in which I’ve tried to capture the wonder that occurred in that specific moment.

The hours of 5-8 have become my favorite times of day, both morning and night. And then there are the weekends. Oh, how I love the weekends. There are so many times when I find myself thinking, “This moment is what life is all about.” The first hug, the first time H blew me a kiss, the first-time P  said “mama.” The first step, the second step and every time they smile and then turn and run down the hallway toward me, or even from me.  I’m constantly thinking “This moment. This is the best moment of my life.” There is playing, learning,  hugs and cuddles.  This is the life that I waited on, wished for and worked so hard to achieve.

Even those strange, right-of-passage parenting firsts are moments I want to freeze in time: the first floater during bath time (double the fun with twins!), the first full-body vomit, the first bathtub toot and ensuing giggle-fest. The first tantrum.  Those times that it’s so hard to be a good parent and not laugh at the terrible thing your child is doing, “No, it’s not okay to cover the dog in food”. For a long time I felt like life was on hold and I was stuck in limbo and now I feel like it is moving too fast. I want to freeze and savor every moment.

Those moments happen at even the worst times. A crying toddler at 3 a.m., who won’t go back to sleep and needs comforting. As exhausted as I am, I sit there in the dark, feeling that little body snuggled against me and think, “This moment–right here–I want this moment to last forever.” Even with a lifetime with my girls, and soon our son, we’ll never get enough of those moments.  Because these moments pass so quickly -I can’t freeze time.  For now, I can simply savor each moment I have. I can put down my phone, turn off the tv and simply be there in the moment with them.

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