Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Parenthood and Cancer

Why Fundraise?

on 01/10/2015

“Why are you adopting if you can’t afford to?”
“Why do you want a third child if you can’t afford to adopt?”
“It’s pretty selfish to ask others to help pay for you to have a child. A child is a want, not a need.”

These statements, or some variation thereof, have been heard many times by my ears since starting this process. Adoption fundraising is this strange new land for us, and it’s a really uncomfortable place to be. It is so incredibly awkward to have to admit that you need help in order to have a child–trust me, we’ve been there before. What’s new is having to ask someone to help us afford the costs to acquire that child, and the strangeness that it entails. Asking for help is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life, and I know my husband would say the same. We were raised to be self-reliant and asking for help is equal parts humbling and humiliating.

A part that has been surprising and challenging for me is getting people to understand the costs of adoption. I’ve lived in the infertility world so long. I know so many people that have traveled this path and we researched the hell out of it before we decided to have IVF. The costs have been obvious to me for a so long, I assumed others were already aware. A coworker said to me the other day, “You’ve raised $2,000, so the adoption is paid for now, right?” I wish! You would think that something like this, where both parties are in agreement of what they want would be straight-forward and less expensive, but it simply isn’t.  When I was explaining to a coworker that we are fortunate that the “reasonable and customary” living expenses are as low as they are, they were astonished that we were paying any. “WHY should you have to pay? You are doing her the favor.”

The world of adoption has changed a lot in the last 50 years. The Hauge Convention, knowledge about child predators, fears of forced adoptions, commercialization, changing legislation. All of these things have combined to create adoption as I know it today. There are a million parties involved in a modern-day adoption: attorneys (and there must be more than one to prevent coercion and provide fair representation), a home study agency, birth mother counselor, FBI, KBI, physicians, hospital social worker, you name it. It can be overwhelming with the sheer number of people and moving parts. And for each of those people there are fees. I don’t think that those people greatly inflate their fees, but most of them are involved as a business so their fees are high enough to make money. The costs just add up. Modern day adoptions can cost between $35k to $45k. We think we’ll luck out and squeak by with around $20K in expenses, $30k on the high end. The costs are high enough that I’m using a letter instead of zeros to write the numbers. It’s less scary that way.

So back to the question: why fundraise? Adoption wasn’t a path we were planning on taking, and it’s not something you typically undertake without a great deal of planning and saving. The chance to have this child fell into our laps and we knew how rare and wonderful that chance was. There were a million reasons we could have clung to as a barrier and said “no.” We had depleted our savings over the last four years, took out loans to get our girls, had twin toddlers in daycare. We hadn’t been saving for adoption or anything else and our medical bills have been high for the last several years. We didn’t have $10k let along $20k or $30k lying around. Most of the reasons to say “no” revolved around the finances. All of our reasons to say “yes” revolved around being able to love this baby. This child needed a home with parents who would love, support and raise him.  His mother was looking for a married couple who could provide a stable home and make sure he has opportunities as he grows. We were willing to do that. We’re fortunate to have two stable jobs and own our home. We have room in our home and hearts to spare.

When we looked at it that way, our only barrier to completing our family was financial. We could attempt to fundraise and see where that got us. It’s our time and effort and we are willing to expend the energy. Fundraising for adoption is pretty common these days. When adopting a child can easily cost $50k, most people have to fundraise for at least part of it. To understand more, I read blogs, I read adoption articles, I read books, I knew people who had fundraised. It seemed like a viable option.

I wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would actually be. The uncomfortable feeling, the judgement, the questions. In retrospect, it makes sense. People need to know that they are giving money to a good cause. And while I think that us having another child is the best cause in the world, it’s my cause, not theirs. Theirs may be raising money for cancer, ALS or the Boys and Girls Club. Everyone has their passion.

The other item I didn’t consider is that most people who do fundraise do so primarily through their church. Their church organizes the events and assists with promotions. It’s harder than I thought to get the word out when everyone has a policy against letting you post anything about a fundraiser. Some days are downright discouraging.

Once again, why fundraise? Because at the end of the day, the only barrier between me holding my son in my arms is money, and money is a temporary thing. Pride is temporary. I can get past humiliation. Love is forever. Every mother would tell you they would do anything for their kids. I’m no different.

Why fundraise? Because at the end of that path is Baby H, and he’s worth it.

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3 responses to “Why Fundraise?

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