Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Parenthood and Cancer

Another Leap

We started this process of adopting by taking a leap of faith. Our hearts simply screamed “YES!” when we were offered the chance to adopt Baby H and we had to follow our hearts. As we leapt heart-first, we decided would worry about the practical details later.

We took another leap when we dove into the world of adoption fundraising and realized that money would be a barrier to completing this adoption. We decided that we would share our story and hope that others would want to help us complete our family; that there would be others that felt that us bringing Baby H into our hearts and homes was worth supporting.

To be honest, we thought we’d be lucky if we raised $1,000. Neither of us had ever tried to fundraise before and we lacked knowledge and skill as we blindly entered into the process. Today we are blown away to realize we’ve raised over $6,000.00. That’s enough for a car, a down payment on a house–that’s enough to cover most of the legal expenses for this adoption. An insurmountable hurdle to having a third child has melted away due to the generosity of friends, neighbors, and even strangers. We have been so blessed by those who have rallied to our cause.

There are so many people that we can’t even begin to thank them all. The unpaid editor of my blog, the friend who has done all of the graphics work and helped set up this website, the friend who helped us brainstorm fundraisers and get publicity, everyone who helped serve at the pancake feed, friends who sold our raffle tickets… the list goes on.

This process has made me more aware of the generosity that surrounds us. It’s the little things that make a big difference. During one particularly rough week, when bills were piling up, someone left a stack of coupons for Silk yogurt at Target. They were expiring soon. It was nothing for them to leave a coupon they wouldn’t use.

It made my week. It made it possible for me to treat my diary-free toddler to her favorite food on a week that we were cutting back on everything to afford this adoption. Another person donated $10 to our youcaring site and said “I know it’s not much.” But it is: that $10 means so much. The fact that you are giving me the only $10 you have to give to help support this adoption says worlds about your heart. Thank you.

I’m blown away by the parents and neighbors of coworkers that contributed to our cause after hearing our story. They don’t even know us. We know that the world is full of generous, wonderful people thanks to our fundraising. We’ve been the recipient of that generosity first-hand.

I’ve also learned that everyone has a story behind what you see every day. As we’ve opened up to others throughout this process, people have shared these struggles. I’ve heard stories of miscarriages that were never shared, secret desires to adopt or stories of adoptions that fell through. Others told of their struggles to pay for medical bills and asked how we went through this process and how much time it takes. What I’ve learned is that you never truly know what is on someone else’s plate at any given moment. We judge others by the cars they drive and the houses they live in, but give little thought to what life may have thrown at them after those purchases were made. Hopefully, I’ve learned something through this process about helping others and being more aware of their needs.

And now we leap again. We need to leap heart-first into welcoming our son into our home, hearts and arms. To do this, we will put a pause on any fundraising. Our youcaring page will stay active, but we need to focus on welcoming our son. The time draws near. We must take a leap of faith yet again. We will have faith that the costs will be less than we project, the adoption will go uncontested, that we will be able to line up a loan for any gap in what we have raised and saved. We will pray that everything goes smoothly from here on out.

We will also leap into the unknown world of having three children. That leap brings me to tears. For someone who couldn’t have any children to have a chance to end up with three, it’s a dream come true. I’d take that leap any day.

 

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Resolute

“I just want you to know, I’m not going to change my mind about giving you this baby.”

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, I’m sure that it’s apparent what my biggest fear is. I’m so afraid of losing another child. We’re not unusual–hell, in the infertility world, we’re not even a particularly sad story. I know women who have had four, or five, or even six miscarriages.

I can only admire the strength it takes to try again when that much pain has gone before. Tim and I had discussed this at length and losing a fourth child was our limit. We would not have attempted another pregnancy in my body. Amazingly, my girls held in there, my body held out long enough and they are here with us today. And even though they both have ear infections, one is getting a set of molars in as we speak and my evenings and nights this week are filled with crying, fussiness and very little sleep, I wouldn’t miss a single solitary minute of it.

“I just want you to know, I’m not going to change my mind about giving you this baby.”

When our birth mother made this statement, I could hear the conviction. She was addressing my biggest fear head-on. And I believe her. We both believe her. I’ve focused so much on my journey, our journey, in the blog, because her story is simply not mine to tell. But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t been on a journey of her own; that she hasn’t thought this adoption through.

Sometimes, I think that maybe she is light years ahead of me in this process. She knew about this pregnancy long before we did and had those extra months as she contemplated her options and decided on adoption.

We’re playing catch-up. We entered with far more exuberance and hope than knowledge when we dived into the adoption. And we’ve stumbled our ways ever since. I finally feel like we have the right team surrounding us to help us navigate the waters of this adoption. The new counselor is stepping in to help with the entrustment ceremony. She’s also offered to help us finalize a plan for contact between our families going forward. I welcome an experienced person to this process. I’m not sure how it all should work.

This is where I believe a private adoption is definitely harder than an agency adoption. The middleman is lacking in a private adoption, and you either have to hire one or figure it out on your own. You have to ask the right questions in order to find the answers. And if you fail to ask, you may stumble into a quagmire.

To me, an agency adoption appears to have this central lynch pin. For us, this help comes from so many directions. Our home study agency suggested the classes, and has provided direction on key steps in the process. This is really going above and beyond what we’ve contracted with them. The new counselor has done the same.

“I just want you to know, I’m not going to change my mind about giving you this baby.”

In the end, whether we stumble inelegantly or move with the grace of a gazelle through this process, nothing else matters but the end result. Every minute of worry, every bit of effort we’ve put into this process will be worth it when we hold our son in our arms.

Want to help support our adoption? 
Visit our youcaring page and make a donation. Until March 1, each $20 donation will get you entered to win a 3 night stay at the Lake of the Ozarks in Osage Beach, Missouri. View here for more information.

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Getting Ready for Baby

How do we begin preparing our girls for the baby? They are still pretty young. We’ve been talking about them getting a brother, and have been pointing to the baby’s room, but I don’t think it is really registering. Now that we are drawing close to his delivery date, it’s time to really work with the girls so that they are welcoming when Baby H joins our family.

We participate in Parents as Teachers, and our counselor’s recommendation was to make sure we have toys that are new to the girls when we bring the baby home. We will want something that is exciting for them, since the baby is so exciting for us. She also suggested putting together two small baskets of “quiet toys” that they get to play with only during the baby’s feedings. We kind of like that idea.

And then we need to introduce them to the concept of a baby full-scale. We’ve played with them with baby dolls, but we’re making a trip to the library (and getting a book off Amazon) to help walk them through how to interact with a sibling. If we read this every night until he’s born, it may make the transition easier.

We also have to think about what we should prepare as we have the girls transition from a daycare center to a nanny. I want to put together busy bags that have lots of different activities the nanny can easily rotate through. I need to start requesting books and activities from the library to give her the tools she will need. We need to think through how we have everything laid out in the house. Does the layout work well with three kiddos day in and day out, or would rearranging make everything more convenient? We also need to work on a rotation system for their toys so they they stay excited about playing with them and we’re not breaking the bank.

This list keeps growing. But it’s a list I’m excited about. We’re also tackling the nursery. This is no small feat.

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As the picture above proves, we have our work cut out for us. We’re no strangers to home renovation. We bought a fixer-upper and during our infertile years used the renovations as a way to keep our minds off the pain and disappointment. We’ve installed a fence, repainted the entire exterior of our house (by ourselves) and tackled every single room. Every room but one, that is. The dreaded (former) fish room that had the most hideous fish wallpaper. We waited because we knew it was going to be the worst room in the house, but its day has finally come.

Hopefully, soon, we’ll be able to say it’s Baby H’s room and no longer the fish room (although we’ll probably call it that for the next 30 years and visitors will always wonder why).

All of these things are good problems to have. We are getting giddy as the journey nears its conclusion. We’ll juggle, we’ll find time to get it all done, and we’ll make sure our girls are as ready as a pair of 19-month-olds can be for a new baby brother.

It’s going to be fun!

Want to help support our adoption? 
Visit our youcaring page and make a donation. Until March 1, each $20 donation will get you entered to win a 3 night stay at the Lake of the Ozarks in Osage Beach, Missouri. View here for more information.

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