Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Parenthood and Cancer

Saying it makes it real

on 02/20/2016

 

Even though at this point we’ve had numerous tests and the C word has become a routine part of our vocabulary, it doesn’t feel real. I don’t feel sick.  Shouldn’t you feel horribly ill if you have something as serious as cancer?

In an attempt to make it more real, we’ve been breaking the news to friends.  I’ve been doing this almost obsessively, as if by saying it out loud, it will make the news sink in.

It hasn’t.

I’m not completely without symptoms, but they are symptoms that have been going on for so long, I don’t even think of them as symptoms.  I am itchy.  You may have just started scratching yourself, but not the occassional itchy.  Since about a month after Baby H was born, I’ve been scratching myself bloody in my sleep  and if I’m not careful in my waking hours too.

Neck. To. Toes. Itchy.

I have scars on my arms and legs from scratching myself.  I’ve visited three dermatologists, followed up with my rheumatologist, and visiting my GP hoping for an answer or a solution to this.

I also have a rash, but this is not new for me.  I’ve had rashes over large parts of my body for the better part of six years, it’s considered a symptom of my autoimmune issues that contributed to my infertility.  I just ignore it. . . well. . . unless it itches.

The other symptoms I have are items I simply explained away.  I bone deep tired. All the time.

I also have three kids under three who between them, wake up 3-4 times a night causing me to play my own version of nighttime wack-a-mole, as I run from room to room, patting their butts and comforting them back to sleep. I thought this one was self-explained.

I go to bed at 9 and wake up at 5 after sleeping in fits and starts.  Sometimes, on a good night, I get a long stretch of sleep and I realize that I wake up covered in sweat.   I just assumed I was getting hot.  Why would I assume these are night sweats and a serious symptom?

I feel good. They put me on iron to correct severe anemia caused by the cancer, so some days I feel better than I have in almost a year!

So I say the word out loud.  I tell friends, I tell family.  Hell I tell the lady sitting next to me at the lung clinic.  Perhaps, if I say it enough, the truth, the reality, of my diagnosis will sink in.

I have cancer.

 

Advertisements

2 responses to “Saying it makes it real

  1. It must be really difficult to absorb when you have symptoms that could easily be dismissed for something else.
    Just take one day at a time, one step forward

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: