Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Parenthood and Cancer

Lavender and Black

B.K. (Before Kids) – I read voraciously. Nothing to improve my mind, that is seriously overrated. I mainly read trashy romances. Historical, Paranormal, Modern, you could say I’m a connoisseur.

The historical romances always seemed to find a way to work in mourning clothes, or going into mourning. I understand that better now.

I full on lost my shit at Target today.  Finding chicken bullion led to a breakdown in aisle 8.  It reminded me of the last day, where I was so frustrated over what my husband bought when he went to the grocery store. I was mad because he bought ground pork instead of ground sausage and 20 pounds of potatoes instead of 5.  I said something in my irritation, I can’t remember what. It was small, I was blowing off steam.

But is that what he heard? That’s the funny thing about depression. I had no idea he was depressed, but I’ve been there once, very deeply, myself. I understand what it is like to twist what you hear or to focus on particular items. Did I make him feel less than?

Every conversation we’ve had replays in my mind. Any time, I turned away from cuddling, or being woken up for a 2 a.m. romp and said no. Did that feel like rejection? I know what I meant, but how was it heard? What did he think? I used to think we understood each other. Now I question everything.

Hence, the breakdown in Aisle 8, at the McDonald’s drive-through, and in the school entryway.  Now I understand why they wore mourning clothes. It wasn’t about the mourner, it was to warn everyone who came into proximity with them.  I have picked two fights with strangers over small things I would normally let slide.

I still walk, I still talk, and I can still smile. But I’m no longer me inside. What was once filled with love and happiness is now an empty void that occasionally fills with anger, grief, or sadness. I go through the motions, but I’m not really me. I can’t help but wonder, is this how he felt inside and I couldn’t see it?

 

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The knock

Disbelief then numb

Hearing words that don’t make sense

suicide      gunshot     somewhere he knew he would be found

Was he depressed?   Is there someone you can call?

Every conversation, every argument, every word dissected.

My world turned upside down.  Love that I knew, believed in, was a lie.

How did we not see?

headaches  tremors  dizziness  irritability noise sensitivity night sweats

 

“It’s Parkinson’s.”

“No, It might be cancer.”

“Reflux”

“It’s just a balance issue.”

Where did we go wrong?

Every conversation we’ve had is now rewritten.

Angry last words that can’t be taken back. You left without saying goodbye.

I should have called.

Would you have answered?

ammo ammunition bullet chrome

Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

 

 

 

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