There are two questions I’ve been asked recently that threw me for a loop. The first, had me actually doubling over in a fit of laughter, as I attempted to answer.
“You do know what causes that don’t you?”
This question accompanied a gesture toward my three very rambunctious children. I was tempted to show the scars on my arms from the numerous shots and bloodwork that accompanied each attempt to have a child. This scar tissue presents a problem in accessing my veins these days.
There are also the scars that don’t show. The losses, the cumulative effect of three pregnancies in three years. The fear of being able to carry to term, the worry that our adoption would fall through. The sadness over not having a “normal” pregnancy. Grief at not having a “normal” birth experience.
I was tempted to show my latest budget as we continue to pay the bills that brought us these three wonders. My retirement is decimated, we refinanced the car.
Instead, I doubled over in laughter, shook my head and said, “You have no idea what causes this.” The gentleman looked at my strangely and walked off.
These days, I don’t have the time or energy to educate on infertility, which I would have done in the past. My life is too blissfully full. I just love that you can’t tell when you look at our family all that came before. We look fertile. We look blissfully normal.
Which leads me to the other question.
Is he yours?
So far, I’ve only been asked this once and I thought I was prepared for when the day would come. Because we fundraised for our adoption, pretty much everyone we interact with knows our son is adopted. I don’t mention it to strangers, because it doesn’t matter. He is my son, and saying adopted son feels like a qualifier. It will be part of his story and he will have his own thoughts on the matter as he grows, but I will not introduce him as adopted.
I have, through the course of work, met a couple people who mentioned they had adopted and then I’ll share, but it’s personal and it’s at my discretion.
My son doesn’t look like me. I have blue eyes, the palest skin you’ll ever see, and surprisingly, still have some hair. It’s blondish-brown. He has a warm, olive complexion, and the cutest brown curly hair you’ve ever seen with dancing brown eyes.
I’m sure this is what spurred the question. But there are so many better ways to ask. “How old is your son?” (and then let me correct).”What’s your son’s name?” Assume he is and let me say otherwise.
There is a final question, I get these days as it’s becoming more apparent that I am sick. “How do you do it all?” There is no magic to it. I just take it one day at a time.
Cancer Ever After 