Cancer Ever After

Musings on Infertility, Adoption, Parenthood and Cancer

A place in hell

I don’t believe everyone who commits suicide goes to hell, but after tonight I certainly hope you at least make a pit stop there.

After hearing your son talk all day about wanting to fish and hunt just like daddy, and then end the day in tears crying for daddy, you deserve to be there. 30 minutes of crying his heart out for you.

He idolized you. How am I going to teach him these things. I can perhaps forgive you choosing to leave me, but your choice to leave your children this way is unforgivable and selfish.

They loved their perfectly imperfect daddy.

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On love

I hate the man that murdered my husband.

I love my husband.

To the man that pulled the trigger:

You put an end to my world.

My children have lost their innocent wonder because of you.

Broken families lie in your wake.

Everything I once held dear and knew about my husband has been torn asunder.

You broke my heart, my spirit, my ability to believe in the goodness of others.

I hate you.

And I still love you.

I miss your smile, your smart ass remarks, and the way you nibbled on my neck.

I miss your calls, your texts, your comforting presence at the end of the day.

The kids miss you too. They want to know what angels wear, if you can fish in heaven and if your car went to heaven too.

The baby says “DaDa” and looks for you.

I still say “we”. I forget for brief blissful moments that you are gone.

I love the man I married and created a family with. The man I planned to grow old with and raise grandchildren with.

I hate the man who murdered him and ripped that away from me.

The problem is, they are both you.

Damn you.

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The knock

Disbelief then numb

Hearing words that don’t make sense

suicide      gunshot     somewhere he knew he would be found

Was he depressed?   Is there someone you can call?

Every conversation, every argument, every word dissected.

My world turned upside down.  Love that I knew, believed in, was a lie.

How did we not see?

headaches  tremors  dizziness  irritability noise sensitivity night sweats

 

“It’s Parkinson’s.”

“No, It might be cancer.”

“Reflux”

“It’s just a balance issue.”

Where did we go wrong?

Every conversation we’ve had is now rewritten.

Angry last words that can’t be taken back. You left without saying goodbye.

I should have called.

Would you have answered?

ammo ammunition bullet chrome

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The hardest thing I’ll ever do.

As a child, the hardest thing I ever had to do was:

… get on the school bus with a complete stranger
… speak in public for the first time
… hear the word divorce
… say goodbye to my best friends

As an adult, hardest thing I ever had to do was:

… hear there was no heartbeat
…allow myself to be stuck with needle after needle
…go to the hospital and leave without our baby girls
…bleed for months on end, laying it that bed, praying our babies would make it
…rock two colicky newborns all night long
…walk into that hospital not knowing if I’d leave with a son
…say I had Cancer out loud
…hold out my arm for that first IV.

No.

Now I see those weren’t really that hard at all because you were by my side, doing whatever was needed, being my shoulder to cry on. It turns out the hardest thing I will ever have to do is:

…get out of bed and face the day without you by my side
…walk into the kitchen to cook breakfast, when you should be standing there
…go to bed alone, never again to cuddle up against your side

No.

The hardest thing I’ll ever have to do is:

…to explain to our children why you aren’t here
…to make sense of what you’ve done
…to understand why you didn’t fight to be at our side.

No.

By far, the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do

….is to forgive you.

I love you.

woman in black long sleeved cardigan

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Obituary

This blog has been an outlet during some of the hardest times.  Times just got harder.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/olathe-ks/timothy-henderleiter-8148749

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